Everytime when I feel depressed, down or simply aching and want to pour out my feelings, I come here. Not too many people come nowadays, and it's quite "secretive"...it's become my place of comfort, when I want to say something, yet I can't find anyone to listen to it, or... maybe I think it's not that appropriate for them to listen...
This time, I've got something again.

I promised myself I would never be bothered by it again. I said to myself that it wasn't my business anymore, whether how many girlfriends he had or who they were or what were they like. I told myself that I shouldn't interfere with it. I warned myself that it had nothing to do with me and I shouldn't feel down about. These were all the things I had thought earlier, and I thought I could do it.
But I could not.
Again, at the mentioning of this topic, I froze completely, not knowing what to say or how to react. When I was asked questions, of course there was no idea of how to answer them. I couldn't lie, but couldn't tell the whole truth either.
Would I mind if she was younger than me (i.e. 2 years younger than him)? Or do I prefer some other older ones?
I didn't know how to answer it.
Couldn't say I minded, cause it was none of my business and my opinions wouldn't have mattered to his decision. If he wanted to, he wouldn't give up just because I didn't like it; if I said yes, he wouldn't go for it if he didn't like her. So either way, may suggestions wouldn't have mattered..
Secondly, I couldn't say I didn't mind. There was no permission from myself to lie. Because I did mind. A lot. But how could I say that??
Then, about my "preferences". I couldn't say the truth. I didn't have any preferences, cause anyone... anyone at all would still ache me. Even if she was as good as Joyce, for example. It was not the person...it's the matter between him and her.
At the mentioning of all of the above, I'm starting to feel uneasy now as I am typing...but what else could I do? What did it have to do with me, if he was having a relationship? He was right at the end, he was "informing" me only. And I got the information.
What else could I have done?
Again and again, similar news have made me so down continuously. Repeatedly telling myself it didn't matter couldn't help, cause I minded... and I cared. A lot...and these feelings will continue to be there. No matter what. My pain therefore, will continue to last, without him knowing anything...