I finally understand why some people resort back to a private xanga after some time. When it gets too public and too well-unknown, secrets cannot be told inside, because it's bound to be related to some of the people who read it. This is exactly what is happening right now.

Should I have kept it to myself afterall? It aches, it aches so much. I'm trying to control myself, excuse me, it's IB in 2 days' time, which is not the correct timing to bother myself with these...

It's so hard to get over.

There are a hundred things I want to say, a hundred things I want to write about. But they aren't coming out in words. All stuck inside which is probably why it's suffocating me right now.

I guess the only thing I can do now, is to stand far away, and send my blessings...

So its back to my private blog again. Well it was once very public but I guess as xanga came out everyone kinda forgot their craze for Blogger. I so don't want to delete it, it has about 3 years' worth of memory here. Whenever I look back, I'll see how I've changed, how I've matured. It's not actually bad, because it is through reflection that we improve... Ok I'm getting all philosophical here while no one comes. At some point, it was more SOLE source of comfort...

It's getting so hectic now. 18 days till IB. Some of my grades are kept low in my standard, some are just fluctuating. Is the "Peak Theory" correct? Do you peak early and stop peaking at the real thing? I dunno...then why am I not improving in some areas? This is so frustrating, I've been doing everything I could... and it's still like this. History is repeating itself...again. Please don't do this to me, it happened for every exam, CE, and not IB please. I need at LEAST 40...

It's been 8 months since I last came here. In my times of depression, utmost depression. Now, it's that again, but of a different reason.
One of the strengths that allowed me to stand back up again was my goal, my dream. That held me through in a deperate attempt of proving myself worthy, even without him. For months I have been working so so so hard, and using this dream to keep my focused and strong.
Unfortunately, God didn't think it was a good idea.
He didn't give me my dream, perhaps He has some other better plans? I do not know yet, but whatever it is, I will find out later. Perhaps this is the trust I ought to give him, although I have to say, this was not the dream I wanted at all. And indeed, he gave me the Bristol offer right after the rejection. Was it all planned beforehand?

Yes, Cambridge was indeed a dream, and now, a very far-away dream too. I remember what the students said on my interview day, "If you don't get in, mabe it's just because there were two of you with the same character, and they could only choose one." Lots more worthy candidates were rejected than those accepted... and you never know if you were the finalists. Maybe I can persue my Masters degree there (but who actually studies for a Law master?), but now, I have to prove to them they're wrong, that they lost something.

Have you ever had the feeling that you know there's something wrong with a person, yet can do totally NOTHING? Yes that's the feeling now. Everyone has been saying he's changed -- more temperament, get's angry easily, and basically just not caring about how people think of him anymore (to a certain extent)...

I vowed not to think about it anymore. But, I am worried. Why should I worry about him when he doesn't care about me anymore? I have no idea. It would be lying to say I've stopped loving him. I still care about him. A lot. But what CAN I do?...

It's like when I knew he hurt himself that day, I was sitting helplessly in front of the computer. You know the feeling?-- wanting to do something yet not being able to...
I have talked to him for so long now. I'm even starting to forget how he actually looks like,... haven't looked at him right in the face for so long too.

No one comes to this site anymore and so it doesn't really matter. The only thing I can distract myself from all these is studying... and I've been trying really really hard...But... I miss him so much. I dread going to the Dining Hall, because I know I'll see him. And everytime I do, that feeling rushes inside me again. The feeling of being able to see, but not to touch, or even to talk, knowing he doesn't feel the same towards you as you to him.

So is that it? Is it all going to end here? It's just 3 days before 6 months, half a year. We've been together for half a year already...that is so incredible, the time has passed so quickly.
091103 I still remember that Sunday, we were "studying" in the living room. Went out for dinner after that and I had a very serious case of stomachache midway. He reached his hand out to hold my hand. That was the first time...
I was crushed when he suggested that "seperation" later on in the month, because he was not "ready" yet. I guess he was intimidated by the attention he was receiving for it.

161203 Watched "Love Actually" with him...it was the first...(only?) movie I watched in a cinema with him. Spent the whole day at Festival Walk afterwards, incl. dinner.

181203 Sevenoaks Gathering. The guys were late for a whole 1.5 hours! They had to treat us to lunch...went to sing-K afterwards. First time ever hearing him singing...first time he ever held my hand in public.

191203 Mini-Bazaar, following by SKo's wedding. Didn't want to go back home, and tried my luck to ask him if he could meet me up for dinner. Surprising answer I got. Dinner @ TST , harbour-side afterwards. Still remember how he hugged me, the wind was so cold...

241203 Central Library, trying to do Eng Presentation. Not too successfully and fell asleep in his arms... still remember that piece of wrapping paper.

311203 Countdown. New Year's Eve. He was late at Admiralty MTR again. Pacific Place, HK Park Tower -- my favourite place. Walked from Admiralty to CWB. First time EVER returning home that late...abt. 12:30am.

010104 Dinner with 2 families. Very interesting situations and conversations...

Can't believe I saw him for 6 times in 3 weeks...

...I can't stop reminiscing the past...

This is utter pathetic. I told myself that the miracle won't happen. I told myself to LET THE HOPE GO, yet it's still igniting here. What in the heck is wrong with me? The reality didn't change when my hopes did, so why do I have to change my hopes and let myself get all unhappy again?? What in the heck is wrong with my brain lately? I couldn't even say "procrastinating" earlier in the day... Someone just get me out of this please. I repeat: I can't stand it any longer. Being the pathetic person I am, I have chose not to do anything. What's the point? When you do something you either do it to the end, or DON'T do it at all. Ok, my stupidity has risen again. Pleeeeeease I do NOT want to be stupid... someone get me OUT of this situation!!!!!

*helpless*...*i don't know...* *hopeless*....

Waited. and. waited. Till 12. Hoping for a sign of miracle. It never came.
Does that symbolize what I have been hoping for, wishing for, the one belief that I held on to, was crumbled?

I realized, that in the end, I come back to here to express my utmost inner secrets. Something I do not want anyone to know, only myself. That I want to keep a record of it here, so that one day, when I turn back and look, I will be able to recall what exactly was going through my mind at that spur of a moment.

Yi May was right. I decided it, I made that choice, I was the one who promised myself I was willingly to, no matter how hard it may seem. In that case, I must bear the costs, whatever they are, how hard they may be. I've been saying so much to myself about this that I've grown tired of it. Every post and entry is just like a replicate of the one before, not much difference. My complaints to myself, my unhappiness, my promises to myself, the support I'm giving myself... they sound exactly THE SAME. Won't this be a little boring if it goes on and on and on and everytime it's the SAME THING?

*sigh* I thought I wanted the best. I thought I wouldn't be satisfied if it wasn't the best. What happened to me? Why am I conforming to situations I'm not satisfied with? Since when have I started to lose that individuality and morality? (This sounds so like Benedict in Much Ado About Nothing)

All I know is, it will only go on and on. The hope is still here ... it's just that I have to constantly heal myself after the wounds are cut. I have to constantly remind myself that the world is still beautiful, that there are still wonderful friends around me... that keeps me on my feet, and enables me to stand back up again. Without that reminder, I will just collapse. But the problem is, how many times more can I remind myself? Until when will I become tired of it and start to waver? How much longer, do I think, I can still hold on to?

I honestly love the dear boy. But... what can I do? Besides from being "naggy and irritating"? God give me an answer please, give me a way... and give me the strength...